Yup, still up. I did go to bed at 8:00 last night...but only because I didn't sleep at all the night before. And here I am again. 
I am so thankful for my friend SSC -- she brings so much perspective and wisdom and God to any situation and she did that for me tonight.
We met with the principal and a pastor today to further discuss the whole TAB situation.  I knew going in it would not go our way, and while I still think the school is wrong, I understand that they will not change their minds at this point.
The CHURCH on the other hand...I am struggling with so so much.  I'm SO angry and hurt and betrayed. I completely feel like I can't trust anyone there -- anything I say will be passed on and held against me. I learned today that the above-mentioned pastor knows what's on my FB!!!!  Now, I'm not 14, I get the fact that you have to watch what you say because once it's out there it's out there. My question is...why are they following my FB?? What are they hoping to find?? It all seems very big brother-ish to me.  Totally freaked me out! An e-mail I sent to another staff member was forwarded directly on.
Besides that though, I just don't understand how a church completely abandons a 13-year old kid.  I just don't get it. They won't even talk to him.  I implored the pastor today that that's the LEAST he could do would be to talk to him. He said he's afraid he'll make things worse, that he'll say the wrong thing, that this is beyond his capabilities.  I said don't counsel him, just have a conversation; let TAB do the talking, get to know him. NOT ONE of the decision makers knows him or has talked to him. I just don't get it.  We're told every week from the pulpit to not let fear dictate our decisions, yet that is exactly what they are doing....
Back to SSC. They went through a similar situation with the school and ultimately church last year and she said she came to the realization that as much as God loves completely imperfect me, He also loves his completely imperfect church. Every person involved in this is just that -- a fallible human being, clearly capable of messing up (like me), yet still totally loved (like me). Through it all, she kept going to church and serving because it's all about God, not the people. The word is still true, whether the people hearing it (me or others) walk it out or not, doesn't change the truth of the word. She's been able to forgive and move forward. Her husband is not totally there yet, but he's headed that way.
I am NOT there. In all honesty I don't want to be there yet. I'm not willing to give up the anger just yet.
I do know however that I need to be an example for TAB in all of this and my anger and bitterness is not the example I want to set.
So...I will draw closer to God and let him do what he wants to do...it's really my only choice right now. I've got nothing. He is everything.

So, one of my goals this year is to get more sleep -- 7 hours/night to start. And here I am it's 5:25am and I've been up all night.  Couldn't sleep. This never happens to me, so when it does I know there's a problem. And really I just have so much stuff running around in my head that I either lay there and cry or get up, so...here I am.

 

SK is out of his meds. We thought the pharmacist might give us 3 or 4 until we can get a new prescription, but...no. Walk-in was closed, so we just dealt with the crazy boy. I'm HOPING that I can call the doctor's tomorrow to arrange to pick up a new prescription and get it filled on my lunch break. Otherwise there will be 3 children home alone all day and someone might kill SKB. (I can't even believe we used to deal with this every day before he was diagnosed. Holy crap!) Oh, and I shouldn't even say that (killing SKB) cuz apparently TAB just might actually do it...

We have a meeting scheduled with the school on Thursday about TAB. I'm assuming someone from the board will be there, but I have no idea what to expect. I've been thinking about his homework in the meantime and the fact that we've done none over the holidays, and I don't know how to go about making sure it gets done. One of his assignments is for his computer class and it's a WORD assignment. But we don't have MS Office; I use Open Office. The free one. So I'm trying to figure out if that will work and how...etc. He has math that he doesn't understand -- do I understand it? If I do, then we need to sit down and work at it. He also has a science test to study for and I don't know what else. I know for a fact that he will not do it during the day when we're not here. Which leads me to a whole bunch of, "what a failure of a mother I am." thoughts. I know that I cannot get my kids to do anything. They don't listen to me, I can't even really explain it. It feels so hopeless and it's a vicious circle because I just avoid everything and then they just do their own thing and then I realize that I need to do better so I decide to do something, like homework, but then they don't listen and I get frustrated and I retreat again and it goes on and on and on. And I realize that they are learning what they are living which makes me very afraid for their futures because I'm not teaching them things they need to know, I'm not a good role model, and on it goes again around and around. He hates school and has no desire to do the work...

SAB is good, but I don't know how it'll go when it's time to get back to school for the rest of this semester and then for a really full second semester. She's funny and sweet and has good friends, but I hate that she spends so much time in her room on the computer. On the other hand, I spent as much time in my room as I could as a teenager too, so it's probably not all bad.

JAB is okay. The holidays have been better than last year, so that's good. We still are on such majorly different pages with respect to so many things that it feels impossible. But we haven't fought lately or anything. We'll see when I'm back to work.

My psoriasis is so bad and it's embarrassing. It has never been like this before. I know it's the stress, but I'm not sure how to deal with it.

I'm so fat. But I am trying to eat better -- just to treat my body better and give it some good fuel. And I really am trying to get to bed earlier.

I've gotta get a bunch of stuff submitted to Co-operator's before the end of January.

I've now got 3 years of income taxes to do.

Finally, our church has abandoned us, and I'm really really struggling with this. The fact that no one responded to my e-mail or phone call is so hurtful. My church was like my family and while my friends are my friends no matter what, to be just cast off by a CHURCH is just so...not Jesus! I just don't know what to do with it, and I'm so angry. It's a real loss - there's kind of this grieving thing I need to do...and then what? I love church. Where am I going to go? I hate looking for a church...And again, I need to watch my attitude in front of TAB. He might want to go back to youth and to those little 3-year olds that he loves. Maybe it's not an issue for him. Then I'm going to have to work on the whole forgiveness thing sooner than I might want to.

 

This whole time I know that I need to just spend some time with God. My bible is right here beside me, but have I opened it yet? Nooooo.  Why not? Beats me...

The tears won't stop...

The past couple of days JAB has been very angry and cold. Completely ignoring me or giving me one word answers. Last night I finally asked if he had something to say. We kind of just went over all the same old stuff. He just doesn't understand. He may never be able to understand, and I'm not sure what to do with that. Really, he doesn't have to understand. But I wish he would. Mostly I came away being told that I'm selfish, it's all about me, I'm a quitter and if I feel we need a break then I should leave. He'll be the dad. I asked him if he would feed them, and do homework, etc., and he said yes, if he had to he could do it. That drives me mental. If you think you can do it, why haven't you been doing it???!? Part of me wants to grab onto the idea of me leaving and RUN with it. I can't even adequately communicate how totally drained and exhausted I am. And I just feel like he does not care about me at all. That's not what I signed up for when I got married. I did sign up for "sickness and in health" and I was reminded about that last night. I feel so alone. So unable to do "this" anymore. I hate him so much sometimes. Last night I cried like I haven't cried in a long time. Sobbing.... And today I had to leave work, because I couldn't pull it together. Even now...I'm going to bed. So tired. I just want it all to stop hurting so much...

Moving...forward??

About a week ago I told JAB that we need to separate. That "this" is not working. Something needs to change. And it's true. "This" is not working. I tried to present it as something that will benefit all of us -- him, me and the kids. I truly believe that he needs to be able to regain some self-respect, some sense that his is capable. If at first that just means he is capable of getting himself out of bed in the morning on his own and making it to his appointment, so be it. He can grow from there. Right now, and for the past 6 years I've been enabling him. Not directly, but in the sense that we have 3 kids and so the bills have to be paid and the meals need to be cooked and the laundry needs to be done. He just reaps the benefits as well. As a result he has not had to do anything. He needs to be able to just be a responsible human being. ADULT human being. Also, he has so much healing to do, my hope is that he can do it -- deal with the issues, feel the emotions, do what has to be done -- without the pressure of feeling he "should" be playing with the kids, or he "should" be doing something. He can just heal. I'm so NOT talking about divorce. We just need a break. I'm dying. I can't keep this up. It's a total psychological thing for me where I feel if I'm going to be a single parent (which really I am now), then I need to BE a single parent. For some reason I've been unable to disengage. Every day, even after all these years, I still come home from work and hope. And almost daily I'm disappointed. Every day I think I have a partner, but I really don't. I need to establish some routines and systems with the kids and for myself. I can't do that with him here. And this whole situation is not good for the kids. We are not modelling a healthy marriage or healthy parenting. I don't want my boys growing up thinking this is what a husband/dad does: nothing. I don't want Sophie to grow up thinking this is what a wife does -- she does everything and puts up with shit. I want them to know that if something isn't working, you change it.
And yet, today, I'm questioning everything. Maybe he won't be okay on his own. Not my responsibility, I know. Maybe I'm completely kidding myself that I can do anything better on my own with my kids. Maybe I'll actually just damage them more. And really, they (JAB and the kids) have not fought that much recently. Maybe he really is getting better. That's what he keeps telling me.
One of the lines from bible study this week was: "What we don’t confront, we enable, allow, permit, accept, or condone." I MUST confront this. I cannot accept or condone this behavior. My counsellor also gave me some things to continually repeat to myself, because she knew I would need this!
So, I'm tired. I hate the tension. He's just so hurt and angry, and I need to allow him to feel those things. I can't expect him to be happy about it all. I may write him a letter.
For now, I'll go to bed, because I need to be at my best for my kids...
I AM doing the right thing.

And on it goes...

So, I'm gonna try to journal/blog through stuff and see if I can come up with any answers. It is beyond discouraging to look back over almost 4 years and see nothing has changed. WOW. What the heck do I do with that?
Most days I just want to run away. From everyone, even my kids. But I know that not only is that not the answer, it's really just JAB that I want to run away from. Today...I hate him so much. So much hurt, so much resentment. I'm at the unhelpful place where if he criticizes me for anything, I want to punch him in the head. I feel like he has NO ROOM to say ANYTHING. I don't make enough suppers? I know, why don't you make a supper? I slept in too long today? Oh yeah, I don't get to sleep in. EVER. But I better be up in time to get your ass out of bed in the morning. I looked like crap going to SK's soccer game? This from the man who showers twice a week after hockey only. The other night he said, "You don't even try to wake me up at night to go to bed anymore..." (after he had fallen asleep on the couch downstairs). Seriously??!? You are a grown man; it is NOT my job to tell you when it's bedtime. Furious. I can feel myself shaking when I think about this. I hate him. I hate his negativity and critical spirit. He can find nothing good in any of us. The only thing he ever says to me about the kids is negative. And he's nasty to them. And he still does NOTHING around the house. I just did 3 days worth of dishes. I never usually let my dishes go, because I hate waking up to a messy kitchen, but I wanted to see if anyone else would see the mess. The answer is no.
We now have a portable storage facility in our driveway. It's to hold all those e-bay things he's going to sell. Someday. Because there's not enough room to hold everything in our house. It's pretty ugly and it's $120/mo, but if it gets crap out of my house, fine. Slowly but surely he is working on that...
Blah blah blah. Enough about him. What about me? Unfortunately so much of me is wrapped up in him that I can't separate the two. I can't seem to find the will to be better. In truth I'm not a LOT better than him. I don't do the things I know I should do to help myself, most specifically get enough sleep, followed by eating better and exercising. I feel just so...yuck...that I do the bare minimum myself. I go to work, I make sure supper happens in some form or another, I clean up the kitchen, I get the kids to bed and read to SK and TA and snuggle with them a bit, I watch TV or play on the computer or read and eventually I go to bed. And I wake up the next day and repeat. Which, by the way, is WHY I don't like to go to bed at night...it's all going to start again when I wake up.
I love my kids. They are kind of lazy and don't do much around the house but we have a pretty good relationship. Most days I feel like I'm doing alright by them.
So, all of this to say I still feel stuck. I don't know how to fix it, change it, or live with it. And some days, like today I just feel like I'm going to explode. This is not what I signed up for. I am better than this and I deserve better than this. My kids deserve better than this. I have lost so much of myself. I used to be fun and friendly and busy and involved and relatively happy with myself. I am now none of those things. I don't even have the friendships I used to have. I'm sure everyone got tired of me complaining...So. I'm going to go to bed. Tomorrow's a new day. I'm pretty sure that's supposed to be a good thing.

Wow. I haven't posted her in almost a year. Unbelievable. A LOT has happened in the past year, and yet so much is the same. I think that's a bit of an eye-opener in itself. Nothing has really changed. Except that I sounded really spiritual a year ago. Boy have I slidden. God is still my one and only. It makes me smile to think about him. But I don't think I have it in me to continue to wait and believe....
My husband was hospitalized for 3-1/2 weeks last summer for his depression. Other than the scrambling to find care for the kids while I was at work, life was really quite peaceful. Just having that negative influence gone was huge. They figured out his meds, got him on a daily schedule -- eating, sleeping, counselling, etc. When they sent him home, I knew he was not ready, but they didn't really hear me. He had no follow-up therapy except for some classes he had to take. They were good, but he needed -- and still needs -- one on one counselling.
When he came home, he promptly became addicted to e-bay. Specifically, buying on e-bay. To the tune of $14,000. He simply traded his coping mechanism from bed/couch/tv to e-bay. He began to spend 16 hours a day there.
Christmas was a write-off, New Year's was slightly better. Then we completely ran out of money, cuz he's still not working. So the e-bay stopped mostly. Then he began working on a project that is his total dream. He wants to make the product and bring it to market. So now he does that 16 hours a day.
He's not working. He's not being a stay-at-home dad -- he does NOTHING around the house.
We did have a conversation where I told him he needed to leave and get well.
He's still here and we're going to "re-visit" that idea.
In the meantime I just got back tonight from a week away with my family for my mom's funeral. It was great and he played the dad role while I was gone. But I did not want to come home. I missed my kids and wanted to come home and see them, but I did not want to come back to the same old same old. And yet, here it is.
So...how do I feel about all this?
I think deep down in the deepest, most honest part of me, I don't want to be in this marriage anymore. I'm too tired and it's been going on too long for me to really want to fight for it.

God, my head understands and gets the whole thing about it being about you and me. I don't really know how to walk that out. How to make it real and life-changing.
Please show me. Show me, minute by minute where I need to forgive and where I need to obey.
I give this whole process up to you. I release any time frame I feel like I place on it. Take all the time you need. I think I always look for a formula: if I do this, then this will happen. I'm sorry. I just want to be real with you. I'm scared to death of what you might require of me -- I feel so incapable and inadequate. But I just want to be at peace. I choose to follow your leading. I love you. I need you completely...