And on it goes...

So, I'm gonna try to journal/blog through stuff and see if I can come up with any answers. It is beyond discouraging to look back over almost 4 years and see nothing has changed. WOW. What the heck do I do with that?
Most days I just want to run away. From everyone, even my kids. But I know that not only is that not the answer, it's really just JAB that I want to run away from. Today...I hate him so much. So much hurt, so much resentment. I'm at the unhelpful place where if he criticizes me for anything, I want to punch him in the head. I feel like he has NO ROOM to say ANYTHING. I don't make enough suppers? I know, why don't you make a supper? I slept in too long today? Oh yeah, I don't get to sleep in. EVER. But I better be up in time to get your ass out of bed in the morning. I looked like crap going to SK's soccer game? This from the man who showers twice a week after hockey only. The other night he said, "You don't even try to wake me up at night to go to bed anymore..." (after he had fallen asleep on the couch downstairs). Seriously??!? You are a grown man; it is NOT my job to tell you when it's bedtime. Furious. I can feel myself shaking when I think about this. I hate him. I hate his negativity and critical spirit. He can find nothing good in any of us. The only thing he ever says to me about the kids is negative. And he's nasty to them. And he still does NOTHING around the house. I just did 3 days worth of dishes. I never usually let my dishes go, because I hate waking up to a messy kitchen, but I wanted to see if anyone else would see the mess. The answer is no.
We now have a portable storage facility in our driveway. It's to hold all those e-bay things he's going to sell. Someday. Because there's not enough room to hold everything in our house. It's pretty ugly and it's $120/mo, but if it gets crap out of my house, fine. Slowly but surely he is working on that...
Blah blah blah. Enough about him. What about me? Unfortunately so much of me is wrapped up in him that I can't separate the two. I can't seem to find the will to be better. In truth I'm not a LOT better than him. I don't do the things I know I should do to help myself, most specifically get enough sleep, followed by eating better and exercising. I feel just so...yuck...that I do the bare minimum myself. I go to work, I make sure supper happens in some form or another, I clean up the kitchen, I get the kids to bed and read to SK and TA and snuggle with them a bit, I watch TV or play on the computer or read and eventually I go to bed. And I wake up the next day and repeat. Which, by the way, is WHY I don't like to go to bed at night...it's all going to start again when I wake up.
I love my kids. They are kind of lazy and don't do much around the house but we have a pretty good relationship. Most days I feel like I'm doing alright by them.
So, all of this to say I still feel stuck. I don't know how to fix it, change it, or live with it. And some days, like today I just feel like I'm going to explode. This is not what I signed up for. I am better than this and I deserve better than this. My kids deserve better than this. I have lost so much of myself. I used to be fun and friendly and busy and involved and relatively happy with myself. I am now none of those things. I don't even have the friendships I used to have. I'm sure everyone got tired of me complaining...So. I'm going to go to bed. Tomorrow's a new day. I'm pretty sure that's supposed to be a good thing.