Wow. I haven't posted her in almost a year. Unbelievable. A LOT has happened in the past year, and yet so much is the same. I think that's a bit of an eye-opener in itself. Nothing has really changed. Except that I sounded really spiritual a year ago. Boy have I slidden. God is still my one and only. It makes me smile to think about him. But I don't think I have it in me to continue to wait and believe....
My husband was hospitalized for 3-1/2 weeks last summer for his depression. Other than the scrambling to find care for the kids while I was at work, life was really quite peaceful. Just having that negative influence gone was huge. They figured out his meds, got him on a daily schedule -- eating, sleeping, counselling, etc. When they sent him home, I knew he was not ready, but they didn't really hear me. He had no follow-up therapy except for some classes he had to take. They were good, but he needed -- and still needs -- one on one counselling.
When he came home, he promptly became addicted to e-bay. Specifically, buying on e-bay. To the tune of $14,000. He simply traded his coping mechanism from bed/couch/tv to e-bay. He began to spend 16 hours a day there.
Christmas was a write-off, New Year's was slightly better. Then we completely ran out of money, cuz he's still not working. So the e-bay stopped mostly. Then he began working on a project that is his total dream. He wants to make the product and bring it to market. So now he does that 16 hours a day.
He's not working. He's not being a stay-at-home dad -- he does NOTHING around the house.
We did have a conversation where I told him he needed to leave and get well.
He's still here and we're going to "re-visit" that idea.
In the meantime I just got back tonight from a week away with my family for my mom's funeral. It was great and he played the dad role while I was gone. But I did not want to come home. I missed my kids and wanted to come home and see them, but I did not want to come back to the same old same old. And yet, here it is.
So...how do I feel about all this?
I think deep down in the deepest, most honest part of me, I don't want to be in this marriage anymore. I'm too tired and it's been going on too long for me to really want to fight for it.