God, my head understands and gets the whole thing about it being about you and me. I don't really know how to walk that out. How to make it real and life-changing.
Please show me. Show me, minute by minute where I need to forgive and where I need to obey.
I give this whole process up to you. I release any time frame I feel like I place on it. Take all the time you need. I think I always look for a formula: if I do this, then this will happen. I'm sorry. I just want to be real with you. I'm scared to death of what you might require of me -- I feel so incapable and inadequate. But I just want to be at peace. I choose to follow your leading. I love you. I need you completely...
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
I talked with a friend this morning and I told her how frustrated I am. She explained that frustration is the combination of anger + hopelessness. Totally correct. She said that anger is okay, the bible even says so, but hopelessness is not. Hopelessness is a lack of faith. If I feel hopeless I don't believe that things will change. I don't believe God wants more for me. I don't believe he will answer me when I call. As a result, things won't change.
The bible says "...believe what you say and you will have it." Well, you've heard what I say about my husband. I have it. God is true and faithful.
I must deal with my hopelessness. I need to work that through and get healing for it so that I can really walk in faith.
When that happens, it won't even matter if things change or not because I will be in such a right place with God. But then things will change...because I will be in such a right place with God.
I can say all these things, believe lots of things, but if the thread of hopelessness is still there, all the rest is useless.
Hopelessness really does equal faithlessness.
It seems ridiculous because my only HOPE is God...
It's not about my husband.
It's about me and God.
Period.
The bible says "...believe what you say and you will have it." Well, you've heard what I say about my husband. I have it. God is true and faithful.
I must deal with my hopelessness. I need to work that through and get healing for it so that I can really walk in faith.
When that happens, it won't even matter if things change or not because I will be in such a right place with God. But then things will change...because I will be in such a right place with God.
I can say all these things, believe lots of things, but if the thread of hopelessness is still there, all the rest is useless.
Hopelessness really does equal faithlessness.
It seems ridiculous because my only HOPE is God...
It's not about my husband.
It's about me and God.
Period.
Sometimes, I hate him so much.
I'm trying to learn how to separate things. Guys are better at this; everything is in it's own little box and they deal with one thing at a time. Girls, not so much. Everything effects everything else.
When I come home and find my husband laying on the couch under a blanket where he's been all morning and then he goes upstairs back to bed because apparently it's not as relaxing when I'm here making all that noise that goes along with living...i just want to explode.
But I need to learn -- God, please help me learn -- that my life, my success, my joy is not about him.
I want to yell and scream and tell him to explain to me how he justifies lying on the couch 12 hours a day? What is he thinking? What makes him think this is okay??
But...it's not about him.
God says, be kind to one another.
God says, honor and respect your husband.
God says, consider others more important that yourself.
I can do none of these things out of love for my husband. None.
I can do these things out of love for God. He tells me to do them and I choose to obey him.
I choose to obey him this moment. I will likely have to choose to obey again in a couple of hours when I have to pick my son up from school but I didn't get everything done that I wanted to. Then again when it's supper time and I've cooked supper for him (I'd rather just eat popcorn) and he doesn't come to eat it. Then again when the kids are in bed and he's watching TV while I finish cleaning up and doing another load of laundry and all the other stuff I do at night.
Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute.
Forgive. Obey. Forgive. Obey. Forgive. Obey.
Not because my husband is worthy of it, but because God is.
He is faithful and his promises are true and HE is all I need.
He is my comfort. He is my best friend. I am HIS bride.
I'm trying to learn how to separate things. Guys are better at this; everything is in it's own little box and they deal with one thing at a time. Girls, not so much. Everything effects everything else.
When I come home and find my husband laying on the couch under a blanket where he's been all morning and then he goes upstairs back to bed because apparently it's not as relaxing when I'm here making all that noise that goes along with living...i just want to explode.
But I need to learn -- God, please help me learn -- that my life, my success, my joy is not about him.
I want to yell and scream and tell him to explain to me how he justifies lying on the couch 12 hours a day? What is he thinking? What makes him think this is okay??
But...it's not about him.
God says, be kind to one another.
God says, honor and respect your husband.
God says, consider others more important that yourself.
I can do none of these things out of love for my husband. None.
I can do these things out of love for God. He tells me to do them and I choose to obey him.
I choose to obey him this moment. I will likely have to choose to obey again in a couple of hours when I have to pick my son up from school but I didn't get everything done that I wanted to. Then again when it's supper time and I've cooked supper for him (I'd rather just eat popcorn) and he doesn't come to eat it. Then again when the kids are in bed and he's watching TV while I finish cleaning up and doing another load of laundry and all the other stuff I do at night.
Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute.
Forgive. Obey. Forgive. Obey. Forgive. Obey.
Not because my husband is worthy of it, but because God is.
He is faithful and his promises are true and HE is all I need.
He is my comfort. He is my best friend. I am HIS bride.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Well, I just read over my last post; I'm thrilled to say the parenting aspect of life is better right now. Not perfect, but I'm trying to stick to my belief that not everything is about giving consequences. Sometimes I need to, and I still need to work on that, but mostly I'm just trying to make sure that my kids know that I'm on their side.
Today, I want to talk about husbands. Well, my husband specifically. I thought I would have gone there before, but everytime I think about it, I get exhausted and decide I don't have the energy or time. I'm sure my thoughts will be all over the place, but I just want to put it out there.
My husband is depressed. We're into year 4 of serious, debilitating, clinical depression. It is sucking the life right out of me. In fact, my doctor has told me that I am also borderline depressed, which turns out is quite common. Why would the spouse of a depressed person also become depressed? Really, why wouldn't we? For 3-1/2 years I have been a single parent. To my 3 children and my 1 grown-up child. I do everything. Truly...everything. It is all just so overwhelming.
There is a part of me that gets the fact that this is an illness and that he simply cannot do the things I seem to think he should. In reality, I can see in his eyes when he is truly stuck in the blackness. Most often, he is not. He is on medication; he's been on a few and I'm not convinced that any one is better than another. He has been referred to a psychiatrist, who in turn referred him to a psychologist. So he is taking medication and going for therapy -- the highly-touted two-pronged approach. Well, the doctor prescribed 2/day of his medication and he's taking 1. And he went to to sessions with his therapist and is now refusing to book his next appointment because we can't afford it. Yes, we have to pay up front, but we get reimbursed. No, we have no extra money right now, but I'll eat rice and beans for a month if it means he might get better. Bottom line: he's not doing what he needs to do to get well.
See, and that's the whole issue. It's not about being sick; it's about making poor choices. It's about falling into a rut and not trying to get out. It's quite a comfortable rut if it means I don't have to work and I can just watch TV all day.
Tonight, and I just have to get this out because it encapuslates everything, he was...an ass. He just put the kids to bed (yes, he will do that occasionally). I was working on some work on the computer, surrounded by dirty supper dishes and a dishwasher that needs emptying. He came to the kitchen and rounded up some munchies. As he was leaving the room to go watch TV with said snacks he said, "Are you going to bed?" I said, "Well, I've got to finish my notes and then clean up the kitchen." "Then are you going to be?" "Probably, but I've got stuff to do first...unless you want to clean up the kitchen??" Door to the TV room closes without a response. So, he knew the kitchen needed to be cleaned up, and he knew that I had my notes to finish and yet he still decided, "Naaaa, you do it. I'm gonna watch TV." That is not depression. That is lazy-ass!!! I don't get it. And this is when I just think, I cannot live like this for another 40 years. I deserve better than this.
So, this leads to the conversation I had on Saturday with my "miracle marriage" friends. We talked about how I need to focus on my relationship with God, becoming secure in who I am in him, and how much -- how much -- he loves me. In the meantime, I will start to care less about what my husband does or says or how he reacts. Almost like he's not here. I will do whatever I need to do to be the best woman, best mom I can be. Essentially, if he wants to be a slug, okay. And sometimes I can do that pretty well, but eventually I start to get bitter and resentful, like tonight. The resentment comes when he makes a clear choice to disrespect me. When he travels with his work, I can totally handle the single parent thing, because I know it's me and me alone. I get that. The resentment comes when there is this other person who is supposed to be on my team, but instead just sits there right in my line of vision. I walk past him all evening while I'm cleaning and taking out the garbage and making lunches and folding laundry...and he just sits and say, "Are you almost done?" It really totally baffles me. I can't even begin to understand the thought process.
So, I try to remember that there is an enemy whose assignment is to destroy my husband and destroy our family. That enemy is NOT my husband. I don't understand how he thinks. I don't understand how he can behave like he does, but I also cannot change him. I must, daily...sometimes hourly...forgive him. It's my only hope. God is on my side. God is also on my husband's side. He will redeem our marriage. Even when I don't want to anymore; He still does. Some days, I don't care anymore and I don't have any fight in me and I just want out. On those days I ask him to help me want to want to fight for my marriage.
I don't like my husband right now; I'm not even sure that I love him. But I know that God does and if I just trust God, he will redeem what the locusts have stolen. Sometimes even that doesn't matter; I just want out. I don't want to feel this pain day after day. But sometimes, it is enough. He will comfort me in my pain; and he will remind me of the plans he has for me. And it is enough. For this minute anyway.
Today, I want to talk about husbands. Well, my husband specifically. I thought I would have gone there before, but everytime I think about it, I get exhausted and decide I don't have the energy or time. I'm sure my thoughts will be all over the place, but I just want to put it out there.
My husband is depressed. We're into year 4 of serious, debilitating, clinical depression. It is sucking the life right out of me. In fact, my doctor has told me that I am also borderline depressed, which turns out is quite common. Why would the spouse of a depressed person also become depressed? Really, why wouldn't we? For 3-1/2 years I have been a single parent. To my 3 children and my 1 grown-up child. I do everything. Truly...everything. It is all just so overwhelming.
There is a part of me that gets the fact that this is an illness and that he simply cannot do the things I seem to think he should. In reality, I can see in his eyes when he is truly stuck in the blackness. Most often, he is not. He is on medication; he's been on a few and I'm not convinced that any one is better than another. He has been referred to a psychiatrist, who in turn referred him to a psychologist. So he is taking medication and going for therapy -- the highly-touted two-pronged approach. Well, the doctor prescribed 2/day of his medication and he's taking 1. And he went to to sessions with his therapist and is now refusing to book his next appointment because we can't afford it. Yes, we have to pay up front, but we get reimbursed. No, we have no extra money right now, but I'll eat rice and beans for a month if it means he might get better. Bottom line: he's not doing what he needs to do to get well.
See, and that's the whole issue. It's not about being sick; it's about making poor choices. It's about falling into a rut and not trying to get out. It's quite a comfortable rut if it means I don't have to work and I can just watch TV all day.
Tonight, and I just have to get this out because it encapuslates everything, he was...an ass. He just put the kids to bed (yes, he will do that occasionally). I was working on some work on the computer, surrounded by dirty supper dishes and a dishwasher that needs emptying. He came to the kitchen and rounded up some munchies. As he was leaving the room to go watch TV with said snacks he said, "Are you going to bed?" I said, "Well, I've got to finish my notes and then clean up the kitchen." "Then are you going to be?" "Probably, but I've got stuff to do first...unless you want to clean up the kitchen??" Door to the TV room closes without a response. So, he knew the kitchen needed to be cleaned up, and he knew that I had my notes to finish and yet he still decided, "Naaaa, you do it. I'm gonna watch TV." That is not depression. That is lazy-ass!!! I don't get it. And this is when I just think, I cannot live like this for another 40 years. I deserve better than this.
So, this leads to the conversation I had on Saturday with my "miracle marriage" friends. We talked about how I need to focus on my relationship with God, becoming secure in who I am in him, and how much -- how much -- he loves me. In the meantime, I will start to care less about what my husband does or says or how he reacts. Almost like he's not here. I will do whatever I need to do to be the best woman, best mom I can be. Essentially, if he wants to be a slug, okay. And sometimes I can do that pretty well, but eventually I start to get bitter and resentful, like tonight. The resentment comes when he makes a clear choice to disrespect me. When he travels with his work, I can totally handle the single parent thing, because I know it's me and me alone. I get that. The resentment comes when there is this other person who is supposed to be on my team, but instead just sits there right in my line of vision. I walk past him all evening while I'm cleaning and taking out the garbage and making lunches and folding laundry...and he just sits and say, "Are you almost done?" It really totally baffles me. I can't even begin to understand the thought process.
So, I try to remember that there is an enemy whose assignment is to destroy my husband and destroy our family. That enemy is NOT my husband. I don't understand how he thinks. I don't understand how he can behave like he does, but I also cannot change him. I must, daily...sometimes hourly...forgive him. It's my only hope. God is on my side. God is also on my husband's side. He will redeem our marriage. Even when I don't want to anymore; He still does. Some days, I don't care anymore and I don't have any fight in me and I just want out. On those days I ask him to help me want to want to fight for my marriage.
I don't like my husband right now; I'm not even sure that I love him. But I know that God does and if I just trust God, he will redeem what the locusts have stolen. Sometimes even that doesn't matter; I just want out. I don't want to feel this pain day after day. But sometimes, it is enough. He will comfort me in my pain; and he will remind me of the plans he has for me. And it is enough. For this minute anyway.
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