The tears won't stop...

The past couple of days JAB has been very angry and cold. Completely ignoring me or giving me one word answers. Last night I finally asked if he had something to say. We kind of just went over all the same old stuff. He just doesn't understand. He may never be able to understand, and I'm not sure what to do with that. Really, he doesn't have to understand. But I wish he would. Mostly I came away being told that I'm selfish, it's all about me, I'm a quitter and if I feel we need a break then I should leave. He'll be the dad. I asked him if he would feed them, and do homework, etc., and he said yes, if he had to he could do it. That drives me mental. If you think you can do it, why haven't you been doing it???!? Part of me wants to grab onto the idea of me leaving and RUN with it. I can't even adequately communicate how totally drained and exhausted I am. And I just feel like he does not care about me at all. That's not what I signed up for when I got married. I did sign up for "sickness and in health" and I was reminded about that last night. I feel so alone. So unable to do "this" anymore. I hate him so much sometimes. Last night I cried like I haven't cried in a long time. Sobbing.... And today I had to leave work, because I couldn't pull it together. Even now...I'm going to bed. So tired. I just want it all to stop hurting so much...

Moving...forward??

About a week ago I told JAB that we need to separate. That "this" is not working. Something needs to change. And it's true. "This" is not working. I tried to present it as something that will benefit all of us -- him, me and the kids. I truly believe that he needs to be able to regain some self-respect, some sense that his is capable. If at first that just means he is capable of getting himself out of bed in the morning on his own and making it to his appointment, so be it. He can grow from there. Right now, and for the past 6 years I've been enabling him. Not directly, but in the sense that we have 3 kids and so the bills have to be paid and the meals need to be cooked and the laundry needs to be done. He just reaps the benefits as well. As a result he has not had to do anything. He needs to be able to just be a responsible human being. ADULT human being. Also, he has so much healing to do, my hope is that he can do it -- deal with the issues, feel the emotions, do what has to be done -- without the pressure of feeling he "should" be playing with the kids, or he "should" be doing something. He can just heal. I'm so NOT talking about divorce. We just need a break. I'm dying. I can't keep this up. It's a total psychological thing for me where I feel if I'm going to be a single parent (which really I am now), then I need to BE a single parent. For some reason I've been unable to disengage. Every day, even after all these years, I still come home from work and hope. And almost daily I'm disappointed. Every day I think I have a partner, but I really don't. I need to establish some routines and systems with the kids and for myself. I can't do that with him here. And this whole situation is not good for the kids. We are not modelling a healthy marriage or healthy parenting. I don't want my boys growing up thinking this is what a husband/dad does: nothing. I don't want Sophie to grow up thinking this is what a wife does -- she does everything and puts up with shit. I want them to know that if something isn't working, you change it.
And yet, today, I'm questioning everything. Maybe he won't be okay on his own. Not my responsibility, I know. Maybe I'm completely kidding myself that I can do anything better on my own with my kids. Maybe I'll actually just damage them more. And really, they (JAB and the kids) have not fought that much recently. Maybe he really is getting better. That's what he keeps telling me.
One of the lines from bible study this week was: "What we don’t confront, we enable, allow, permit, accept, or condone." I MUST confront this. I cannot accept or condone this behavior. My counsellor also gave me some things to continually repeat to myself, because she knew I would need this!
So, I'm tired. I hate the tension. He's just so hurt and angry, and I need to allow him to feel those things. I can't expect him to be happy about it all. I may write him a letter.
For now, I'll go to bed, because I need to be at my best for my kids...
I AM doing the right thing.

And on it goes...

So, I'm gonna try to journal/blog through stuff and see if I can come up with any answers. It is beyond discouraging to look back over almost 4 years and see nothing has changed. WOW. What the heck do I do with that?
Most days I just want to run away. From everyone, even my kids. But I know that not only is that not the answer, it's really just JAB that I want to run away from. Today...I hate him so much. So much hurt, so much resentment. I'm at the unhelpful place where if he criticizes me for anything, I want to punch him in the head. I feel like he has NO ROOM to say ANYTHING. I don't make enough suppers? I know, why don't you make a supper? I slept in too long today? Oh yeah, I don't get to sleep in. EVER. But I better be up in time to get your ass out of bed in the morning. I looked like crap going to SK's soccer game? This from the man who showers twice a week after hockey only. The other night he said, "You don't even try to wake me up at night to go to bed anymore..." (after he had fallen asleep on the couch downstairs). Seriously??!? You are a grown man; it is NOT my job to tell you when it's bedtime. Furious. I can feel myself shaking when I think about this. I hate him. I hate his negativity and critical spirit. He can find nothing good in any of us. The only thing he ever says to me about the kids is negative. And he's nasty to them. And he still does NOTHING around the house. I just did 3 days worth of dishes. I never usually let my dishes go, because I hate waking up to a messy kitchen, but I wanted to see if anyone else would see the mess. The answer is no.
We now have a portable storage facility in our driveway. It's to hold all those e-bay things he's going to sell. Someday. Because there's not enough room to hold everything in our house. It's pretty ugly and it's $120/mo, but if it gets crap out of my house, fine. Slowly but surely he is working on that...
Blah blah blah. Enough about him. What about me? Unfortunately so much of me is wrapped up in him that I can't separate the two. I can't seem to find the will to be better. In truth I'm not a LOT better than him. I don't do the things I know I should do to help myself, most specifically get enough sleep, followed by eating better and exercising. I feel just so...yuck...that I do the bare minimum myself. I go to work, I make sure supper happens in some form or another, I clean up the kitchen, I get the kids to bed and read to SK and TA and snuggle with them a bit, I watch TV or play on the computer or read and eventually I go to bed. And I wake up the next day and repeat. Which, by the way, is WHY I don't like to go to bed at night...it's all going to start again when I wake up.
I love my kids. They are kind of lazy and don't do much around the house but we have a pretty good relationship. Most days I feel like I'm doing alright by them.
So, all of this to say I still feel stuck. I don't know how to fix it, change it, or live with it. And some days, like today I just feel like I'm going to explode. This is not what I signed up for. I am better than this and I deserve better than this. My kids deserve better than this. I have lost so much of myself. I used to be fun and friendly and busy and involved and relatively happy with myself. I am now none of those things. I don't even have the friendships I used to have. I'm sure everyone got tired of me complaining...So. I'm going to go to bed. Tomorrow's a new day. I'm pretty sure that's supposed to be a good thing.