Yup, still up. I did go to bed at 8:00 last night...but only because I didn't sleep at all the night before. And here I am again. 
I am so thankful for my friend SSC -- she brings so much perspective and wisdom and God to any situation and she did that for me tonight.
We met with the principal and a pastor today to further discuss the whole TAB situation.  I knew going in it would not go our way, and while I still think the school is wrong, I understand that they will not change their minds at this point.
The CHURCH on the other hand...I am struggling with so so much.  I'm SO angry and hurt and betrayed. I completely feel like I can't trust anyone there -- anything I say will be passed on and held against me. I learned today that the above-mentioned pastor knows what's on my FB!!!!  Now, I'm not 14, I get the fact that you have to watch what you say because once it's out there it's out there. My question is...why are they following my FB?? What are they hoping to find?? It all seems very big brother-ish to me.  Totally freaked me out! An e-mail I sent to another staff member was forwarded directly on.
Besides that though, I just don't understand how a church completely abandons a 13-year old kid.  I just don't get it. They won't even talk to him.  I implored the pastor today that that's the LEAST he could do would be to talk to him. He said he's afraid he'll make things worse, that he'll say the wrong thing, that this is beyond his capabilities.  I said don't counsel him, just have a conversation; let TAB do the talking, get to know him. NOT ONE of the decision makers knows him or has talked to him. I just don't get it.  We're told every week from the pulpit to not let fear dictate our decisions, yet that is exactly what they are doing....
Back to SSC. They went through a similar situation with the school and ultimately church last year and she said she came to the realization that as much as God loves completely imperfect me, He also loves his completely imperfect church. Every person involved in this is just that -- a fallible human being, clearly capable of messing up (like me), yet still totally loved (like me). Through it all, she kept going to church and serving because it's all about God, not the people. The word is still true, whether the people hearing it (me or others) walk it out or not, doesn't change the truth of the word. She's been able to forgive and move forward. Her husband is not totally there yet, but he's headed that way.
I am NOT there. In all honesty I don't want to be there yet. I'm not willing to give up the anger just yet.
I do know however that I need to be an example for TAB in all of this and my anger and bitterness is not the example I want to set.
So...I will draw closer to God and let him do what he wants to do...it's really my only choice right now. I've got nothing. He is everything.

So, one of my goals this year is to get more sleep -- 7 hours/night to start. And here I am it's 5:25am and I've been up all night.  Couldn't sleep. This never happens to me, so when it does I know there's a problem. And really I just have so much stuff running around in my head that I either lay there and cry or get up, so...here I am.

 

SK is out of his meds. We thought the pharmacist might give us 3 or 4 until we can get a new prescription, but...no. Walk-in was closed, so we just dealt with the crazy boy. I'm HOPING that I can call the doctor's tomorrow to arrange to pick up a new prescription and get it filled on my lunch break. Otherwise there will be 3 children home alone all day and someone might kill SKB. (I can't even believe we used to deal with this every day before he was diagnosed. Holy crap!) Oh, and I shouldn't even say that (killing SKB) cuz apparently TAB just might actually do it...

We have a meeting scheduled with the school on Thursday about TAB. I'm assuming someone from the board will be there, but I have no idea what to expect. I've been thinking about his homework in the meantime and the fact that we've done none over the holidays, and I don't know how to go about making sure it gets done. One of his assignments is for his computer class and it's a WORD assignment. But we don't have MS Office; I use Open Office. The free one. So I'm trying to figure out if that will work and how...etc. He has math that he doesn't understand -- do I understand it? If I do, then we need to sit down and work at it. He also has a science test to study for and I don't know what else. I know for a fact that he will not do it during the day when we're not here. Which leads me to a whole bunch of, "what a failure of a mother I am." thoughts. I know that I cannot get my kids to do anything. They don't listen to me, I can't even really explain it. It feels so hopeless and it's a vicious circle because I just avoid everything and then they just do their own thing and then I realize that I need to do better so I decide to do something, like homework, but then they don't listen and I get frustrated and I retreat again and it goes on and on and on. And I realize that they are learning what they are living which makes me very afraid for their futures because I'm not teaching them things they need to know, I'm not a good role model, and on it goes again around and around. He hates school and has no desire to do the work...

SAB is good, but I don't know how it'll go when it's time to get back to school for the rest of this semester and then for a really full second semester. She's funny and sweet and has good friends, but I hate that she spends so much time in her room on the computer. On the other hand, I spent as much time in my room as I could as a teenager too, so it's probably not all bad.

JAB is okay. The holidays have been better than last year, so that's good. We still are on such majorly different pages with respect to so many things that it feels impossible. But we haven't fought lately or anything. We'll see when I'm back to work.

My psoriasis is so bad and it's embarrassing. It has never been like this before. I know it's the stress, but I'm not sure how to deal with it.

I'm so fat. But I am trying to eat better -- just to treat my body better and give it some good fuel. And I really am trying to get to bed earlier.

I've gotta get a bunch of stuff submitted to Co-operator's before the end of January.

I've now got 3 years of income taxes to do.

Finally, our church has abandoned us, and I'm really really struggling with this. The fact that no one responded to my e-mail or phone call is so hurtful. My church was like my family and while my friends are my friends no matter what, to be just cast off by a CHURCH is just so...not Jesus! I just don't know what to do with it, and I'm so angry. It's a real loss - there's kind of this grieving thing I need to do...and then what? I love church. Where am I going to go? I hate looking for a church...And again, I need to watch my attitude in front of TAB. He might want to go back to youth and to those little 3-year olds that he loves. Maybe it's not an issue for him. Then I'm going to have to work on the whole forgiveness thing sooner than I might want to.

 

This whole time I know that I need to just spend some time with God. My bible is right here beside me, but have I opened it yet? Nooooo.  Why not? Beats me...