The tears won't stop...

The past couple of days JAB has been very angry and cold. Completely ignoring me or giving me one word answers. Last night I finally asked if he had something to say. We kind of just went over all the same old stuff. He just doesn't understand. He may never be able to understand, and I'm not sure what to do with that. Really, he doesn't have to understand. But I wish he would. Mostly I came away being told that I'm selfish, it's all about me, I'm a quitter and if I feel we need a break then I should leave. He'll be the dad. I asked him if he would feed them, and do homework, etc., and he said yes, if he had to he could do it. That drives me mental. If you think you can do it, why haven't you been doing it???!? Part of me wants to grab onto the idea of me leaving and RUN with it. I can't even adequately communicate how totally drained and exhausted I am. And I just feel like he does not care about me at all. That's not what I signed up for when I got married. I did sign up for "sickness and in health" and I was reminded about that last night. I feel so alone. So unable to do "this" anymore. I hate him so much sometimes. Last night I cried like I haven't cried in a long time. Sobbing.... And today I had to leave work, because I couldn't pull it together. Even now...I'm going to bed. So tired. I just want it all to stop hurting so much...

Moving...forward??

About a week ago I told JAB that we need to separate. That "this" is not working. Something needs to change. And it's true. "This" is not working. I tried to present it as something that will benefit all of us -- him, me and the kids. I truly believe that he needs to be able to regain some self-respect, some sense that his is capable. If at first that just means he is capable of getting himself out of bed in the morning on his own and making it to his appointment, so be it. He can grow from there. Right now, and for the past 6 years I've been enabling him. Not directly, but in the sense that we have 3 kids and so the bills have to be paid and the meals need to be cooked and the laundry needs to be done. He just reaps the benefits as well. As a result he has not had to do anything. He needs to be able to just be a responsible human being. ADULT human being. Also, he has so much healing to do, my hope is that he can do it -- deal with the issues, feel the emotions, do what has to be done -- without the pressure of feeling he "should" be playing with the kids, or he "should" be doing something. He can just heal. I'm so NOT talking about divorce. We just need a break. I'm dying. I can't keep this up. It's a total psychological thing for me where I feel if I'm going to be a single parent (which really I am now), then I need to BE a single parent. For some reason I've been unable to disengage. Every day, even after all these years, I still come home from work and hope. And almost daily I'm disappointed. Every day I think I have a partner, but I really don't. I need to establish some routines and systems with the kids and for myself. I can't do that with him here. And this whole situation is not good for the kids. We are not modelling a healthy marriage or healthy parenting. I don't want my boys growing up thinking this is what a husband/dad does: nothing. I don't want Sophie to grow up thinking this is what a wife does -- she does everything and puts up with shit. I want them to know that if something isn't working, you change it.
And yet, today, I'm questioning everything. Maybe he won't be okay on his own. Not my responsibility, I know. Maybe I'm completely kidding myself that I can do anything better on my own with my kids. Maybe I'll actually just damage them more. And really, they (JAB and the kids) have not fought that much recently. Maybe he really is getting better. That's what he keeps telling me.
One of the lines from bible study this week was: "What we don’t confront, we enable, allow, permit, accept, or condone." I MUST confront this. I cannot accept or condone this behavior. My counsellor also gave me some things to continually repeat to myself, because she knew I would need this!
So, I'm tired. I hate the tension. He's just so hurt and angry, and I need to allow him to feel those things. I can't expect him to be happy about it all. I may write him a letter.
For now, I'll go to bed, because I need to be at my best for my kids...
I AM doing the right thing.