Oh my gosh...some days i am completely mystified at my behavior and my selfishness and my pathetic-ness...today is one of those days.
i know that i am a better person when i get enough sleep and when i eat right. my husband has been out of town for 5 days so far (5 more to go). I have not gone to bed before 2:00 and i have eaten crap! As a result, i a have no "fuel" in me, no patience and i am screaming -- no -- really, really screaming at my kids.
so this is where i discuss the whole parenting thing.
I have always wanted nothing more than to be a wife and a mom. i am currently both, but am failing miserably at both.
my issue with kids, because this is fresh right now, is that i have no idea...i had more of a sentence to finish, but in actuality, i simply have no idea.
i've read roughly 87 parenting books. i agree with every single one of them. i cannot implement anything. my biggest issue is simply that i can't figure out what to use as consequences. I can take away any number of privileges -- computer, tv, friends, -- and they just don't really care. maybe i just don't do it long enough and i give up too soon, but i have completely lost the respect of my children. completely.
they ignore me. They say "no" if i ask them to do something. They speak horribly to me. And i don't know how to fix it. It seems past fixing. They're 7, 9, 11, by the way. i am at a loss. I told my 9 year old to go and wait on his bed for me. He said no. I said it again, he said he's going downstairs. I said no, you need to wait on your bed. He said, as he was walking, no he's going downstairs. I lost it. i stomped down the stairs after him and screamed -- no -- really really screamed in his face, "GO WAIT ON YOUR BED" Finally he said, fine and up he went, but by then we were both yelling and it spiralled way out of control. Please, I KNOW i'm supposed to be the parent. Really i know that. I just don't know what to do when this happens. When i say to do something and they completely just ignore me....truly -- total mind block -- nothing! So I scream. And on and on and on and on it goes ad nauseum...
today, i truly hate being a parent.
today, i want to run away.
today, when i talk to my husband i want to say, i'm done, i'm out of here, because i'm doing more harm than good.
today, i don't like my kids at all.
today, i like myself even less.
This is such a huge issue for me -- everyday, never ending...that's how being a mom is. It's everyday, never ending, but for it to be that, but to be never-endingly awful...it's too hard. it hurts so much, and i feel like such a complete and total fraud and failure.
i'm so tired...

Well, just a quick post to get started. When I went to update my profile on facebook yesterday I looked at the "Interests" category and could not for the life of me come up with anything. I like to read, but it's almost totally for escape. There is nothing that I feel passionate about, nothing that seems purposeful or important, or even...fun. We watched the "Dreamgiver" DVD by Bruce Wilkinson about a year and a half ago and i remember crying so many times because people in our group were discussing it and the things they've gone through en route to realizing their dreams, etc. and i realized i simply do not have a dream. I know for a fact that God has a purpose for me...but it's so...nowhere. And every day is so much the same, and I'm so unhappy...